壁 | A Wall

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おもちゃを並べて、壁を作った。
くだらない、誰でも飛び越えられる壁。

心の中にも壁を作った。
外からは誰にも見られない壁。
弱い自分を守るために。

自分には壁を作ったが、壁の外に興味が無かった訳ではない。
壁を取っ払って、弱い自分を曝け出したこともあった。

壁は垣根が低くなった植込みの様になった。
自由自在に壁を作っては取っ払う。
迎え入れては、見送ったりを繰り返す。

壁はもう、僕をうまく守ってはくれないみたいだと気付く。


I created a wall with lining up toys I had on the floor.
A crappy wall that anyone can clear.

I created a wall in my heart, too.
A wall that can't be seen by anyone from outside.
To protect fragile self.

I created a wall, but it didn't mean at all that I avoided any interferences with the world outside of the wall.
I have exposed fragile self to the outside with taking out the wall, too.

The wall became like a low hedge now.

I create and take down a wall freely time to time.
I continue to welcome and see off new people and things repeatedly.

I realise that the wall doesn't seem to protect me well anymore.

Quoting

"I am bored here."

("I feel the same.")

あなたたちが生きた時代、僕が生きた時代

あなたたちが２０代の頃、姉と僕はすでに生まれていた。
When you were in 20s, you had two children.

あなたたちが３０代の頃、大きな住宅ローンを組み、小さい家を買った。
When you were in 30s, you bought a small house with a big mortgage.

あなたたちが４０代の頃、教育に子供の幸せにと、姉と僕にお金をたくさん出してくれた。
When you were in 40s, you spent a lot of money for your children's education and happiness.

あなたたちが５０代の頃、僕はまだ大人になりきれなかった。
When you were in 50s, I couldn't become mature enough.

僕は今、３０代。いまだ、１００％、大人ではないような気がする。
ただ、少しずつであるが、その親の恩を返して行きたい。
I am in my 30s. I don't feel like that I am 100% mature enough.
Yet, I want to help my parents as much as I can and little by little.

Home Sweet Home

Where is my sweet home?

I am lost.

I am floating like a driftwood.

We can still make something from a piece of wood, even a driftwood.

Sometimes, we will have hard time. The hard time makes us even harder to outcome.

I am here to stand with you, but I am rejected.

I think I know how you are facing and compromising to a reality.

I guess I am not enough.

A fundamental is shaking if rejections continues.

It's easy to blame something and someone. It's hard to face circumstances.

After all, it is all my fault.

A Thunder Storm, A Spread Sheet, and An Old Movie = 雷雨とスプレッドシートと昔の映画と

I got furious illogically as a thunder storm getting closer.
（雷雨が近づくにつれて、僕は憤慨しわけがわからなくなる。）

I was sitting at the roof-top patio – thundering and lightning.
Thick clouds were invading our city from the north.
I could see rain falls afar from the clouds.
（雷鳴が轟き稲妻が見える屋上のベランダに座る。
厚い雲は北の方角から僕の住む街の方へ向かってくる。
雲から雨が落ちているであろう灰色の壁が遠くに見える。）

It was almost like waves at the sea shore.
（海岸で見る波のように押し寄せてくる。）

A few minutes later, rain drops started to fall, big rain drops.
It rained harder and heavily.
（数分後、雨粒が落ちてくる、大きな雨粒が。）

I was on the bed and started to fall asleep with hearing noise from the rain and thundering.
（ベッドにいた雷鳴と激しい雨の音を聞きながら目を閉じる。）

I felt that I was all rejected – all my adulthood life; immature, childish, and unstable self; and my challenge.
（僕のすべてを否定されたように感じた。僕の今の生活や、不安定でガキっぽくて、未熟な僕自身や、僕の経験している全てのチャレンジを。）

I started to think about a story in the "Little Prince," but I couldn't remember the details about the story. I couldn't find the book that was buried deeply in one of the boxes.
I started to think about numbers all of a sudden – numbers in nothing particular.
（「星の王子様」に出てくるお話を思い出した。でも、そのお話がどういったものだったかはっきりと思い出せない。持っている「星の王子様」本は箱の中奥深くにしまい込まれていて見つけられず。次に、数字のことを思い出す。特別な数字などではなく、数字自体の役割について、みたいな。）

A spread sheet tells you invisible things that appear with a power of numeric letters.
People use numbers to analyse and understand the invisible things and to plan and be ready for the future.
It is also a fact that everything can not be converted by numbers even in this zero-or-one information digital era.
（スプレッドシートから数字という文字の力を借りて、僕たちは目に見えないものを見ることができる。
僕たちはその数字を使って、後々のために計画を立てるために、その目に見えないものを分析し理解する。
同時に、この０か１かの情報化社会においても、全てのものを数字に置き換えることなんか不可能で。）

Pretending a smart ass by writing like this.
（こんな風に書いてみて、わかったふりをする。）

My childhood memories always come back with this old movie – waiting for my mom coming home at a tiny apartment in the rain, picking astragalus flowers with my sister, and a smell of mad in a rice field where I visited to catch crow fish.
The movie is a switch to turn on my memories 8mm video player implanted in my head.
（この古い映画を見るとなぜか、子供の時の思い出が蘇る。雨が降る日で小さなアパートで母親が帰ってくるのを待っていたり、お姉ちゃんと一緒にレンゲの花を摘んだり、ザリガニ取りで行った田んぼの泥の匂いなんか。
この古い映画は僕の頭の中の８ミリのビデオを再生するスイッチのような役目を果たす。）

An idealist keep wishing if two individuals can really, fully understand each other by communicating.
（理想主義者は２人がいつか意思伝達を経て完璧にわかり合える日が来るのを願う。）

Will numbers in a spread sheet be able to express my feelings someday?
（スプレッドシートの数字を使って僕の気持ちを表せる日がいつかやって来るのだろうか。）

Airport

By a futuristic, Tetsujin-28gou-like train, how many times have I been to the airport?

By a squeaky subway and a noisy bus, how many times have I been to the airport?

After flying over the ocean and trans-continental, messed-up flights, I have arrived at a big airport that I had never been before.

I don't remember how I managed to get to a bus stop at the night without a skill of speaking another language.

I picked up a phone and put it back.
My hands got sweaty with my nervousness.

How many times have I flown over the ocean that had once been a war field.

I can see small boats and a big ship on the ocean between clouds.
A flight attendant speaks my language with accents and intonations that I have never heard of.

How many times will I be able to fly?

"Do you see different kinds of people here?"
"Because it is an international airport."
"People are arriving from all over the world."
"You can call them foreigners, but you will be a foreigner, too, when you leave from this airport."

I sat down on a chair and looked at a big air plane that I was boarding through the window.

Grade 6 and the Cold War

Chime was ringing.
A day of classes ended.

On the fourth floor of a school building, I looked at the sky through a window in a hall way beside my homeroom class room.

The sky had really weird colours with dark clouds – red, orange, black, gray, and dark blue.
All colours were mixed up like an oil painting pallet.

I knew that there was a war that adults want to show off their bluffs each other with equipping nuclear arms in this world. I was taught that it was called Cold War.

Colours of the sky reminded me a nuclear war and scenes and images of the end of the world in animations and movies.

I got scared and I ran down on the stairs to get to the shoes change room.
I put on my pair of sneakers and put back my inside shoes to my shoe rack.

I dashed home leaving my friends behind.

When I arrived at home, my house was as empty as usual.
It was before 4 pm.

"Of course, it's empty."

My mom and dad were at work and my sis was at junior high, probably in her after-school club activities.

I turned on the TV.
I changed channels.
I watched NHK for a while – regular programs.

I learned that the world was still turning and heard the sound of rain with afar thundering.

Movies

When I was a senior high student, rental video shops were a very popular place to be.

Back then, I have left school early just to go to see a movie in the city centre by myself a couple of times.

My interests were so broad from world indies to Hollywood. Although I was the only one who watched the satellite movie/sports channel, I asked my parents to subscribe it when they bought a new wide-screen TV set.

Saturdays in every second week of a month became a holiday for students who attend publicly funded schools from elementary to senior high schools at the time. A day before the Saturday holiday, I always go to Tsutaya, the rental video stores, in Yao and borrowed 2 or 3 movies each time.

I have watched a lot of movies, but there are so many movie titles that I can't recall. I was influenced by the movies I watched in some ways and I think I learned a lot of things from the movies.

My memories are in the foggy air, and they disappeared in cool winds and smell of grilled fish from a house nearby when getting close to the street with cherry blossoms trees beside the small river.

A Small Talk

I was leaning against a post with a bus stop sign on Yonge.

It was super early in the morning, waiting for a bus to go home in uptown.

Buses in Toronto usually have blue light on the top.
I tried to look afar if a bus is coming down on the street.
My astigmatism eyes weren't fixed with my glasses and everything looked blurred at night.

When I noticed, a dark-skinned, tall guy was standing beside me.
He asked me how long I have been waiting for a bus.

I said, "I just missed one."
He asked me if I am Japanese, Chinese, or Korean.

I said, "I am Japanese."
He kept telling me that his knees were too sore to walk to Bloor.

I said, "why don't you go to see a doctor?"
He complained that any painkillers and antibiotics that were prescribed to him didn't work.

I didn't say anything.
He asked me if any Japanese or Chinese medicines would work for his knees.

I had no idea.
He didn't stop talking to me until a bus came finally after 15 minutes or so.

A small talk night on the street.

働き蟻さん、こんにちは | Hard-working Ants

働き蟻さん、こんにちは。
ちょっと上からごめんなさい。

忙しそうに働くあなたは僕の存在も気づかない。
巣穴に砂をかけようものなら、仲間と力を合わせて障害物を取り除く。

やっぱりあなたにも影があるのですね。
頭部と胸部と大きな腹部。
六本の足を器用に使って力強く凸凹な地面を突き進む。

「蜘蛛の糸」の気分で地面を見渡せば、働き蟻さんは東西南北駆け巡る。僕の靴の下、しゃがんで顔を地面に近づけると働き蟻さんは僕の存在に気づきもせず、自分の体より何倍も大きい物体を力合わせて巣穴へ運んでいく。

***

Hello, hard-working ants.
Excuse my big shadow over you.

While you are busy of working hard, you don't notice my existence.
When I spread sand out to your hole, you start to get rid of the obstacles right away with your team mates.

You have a shadow as well – head, chest, and big stomach.
You march powerfully and strongly on the bumpy surface of the ground.

With feeling to become Shakha in the heaven looking down at the hell, you are moving – east, west, north, and south.
Beneath my feet, when I squat myself down and make my face close to the ground, you are carrying a thing that is far bigger than your body with your team, without knowing that I am watching you.

Point A

I take point A, therefore I reach point C.
An ordinary cause and effect.

If I take point B, I would reach point D.
An ordinary planning before a thing happens.

After you make a choice, most of the time, you can't cancel the choice you make.
I want to eat a plate of curry rice. Oh, I change my mind. I would order a plate of hamburger steak with teriyaki sauce and ground daikon radish instead.

I took point E, therefore I am where I am.
From an ordinary person's point of view, time goes on only one direction, from the past to the future.

The present is happening right now whether it is sunny or not.

飛行機雲 | Jet Contrail

小学校の校庭
空を見上げると青空の青の深いところ
飛行機雲が一直線に東へ向かう

小学校の校舎
四階の教室の窓
生駒山の南の切れ端に飛行機が見える

飛行機はどんどん近づいて
窓から飛行機は消える
エンジンの音は轟々と響いて
いちばん大きな音になって
また遠ざかる

着陸態勢

いろんな色の灯りの下
どこに僕の町があるのかわからないけれど
飛行機はどんどん低くなって
梅田のビルの高さすれすれのように

飛行機が着陸する度に
僕の足は緊張する
仁丹のネオン
お父さんのワゴン車

ただいま。

***
At the school yard of my elementary school
When I look up, a jet contrail stretches out to the east in the depth of blue in the blue sky

In the school building of my elementary school
At my classroom on the fourth floor
Through the window, an airplane can be seen appearing from the south edge of Mount Ikoma

The airplane flies closer and closer
And the airplane can no longer be seen through the window
Sound of the airplane's jet engine is sounding loudly
With the loudest sound in my ear, the sound goes further and further

Landing

Under the colourful lights of the city, I don't know where my town is located
The airplane is flying low, as tall as buildings in Umeda

Every landing, I feel tense in my legs and feet
Neon Sign of Jintan
My father's van

I'm home.

Path | 道程

It was raining on the other night, too. I was at a café with my friend, having an expensive cup of soy chai latte. Because of the administration issues, I found out that my employee number didn't work through the register on the same day. My friend and I talked and looked around. Every moment, every person, I could see stories at least from my imagination. I told my friend that this café is kinda special one in Toronto.

What is so special about this North American chain café?

There was a guy who has great smiles and in his sharp suit, waiting for his friend. He looked so happy and ambitious with his white teeth. Although I had never worn a suit when I worked, I thought I was in the same period of time as he is enjoying now.

It was Friday evening.

There was a couple, a girl was sleeping leaning to her boyfriend. She woke up and she went to the table across from where her boyfriend was sitting. She seemed like studying before. She packed her bag and her boyfriend and she left the cafe into a wet night.

Anything looks and sounds promising on Friday evenings.

I was there and I have been through. Back then, I remember that I had as many things in my mind as now to think, I was happy, rather very happy and excited. I was there.

Am I happy now?
It's okay if I don't feel happy now because I know I will remember, recall, and laugh at my current life later.

A rainy day always makes me rather sound depressing, but I am not depressed because I know the worse.

Happy or not, it will be a happy moment if I remember whatever later.

***

その夜は雨だった。ちょうど降り出して来たところ。友達とコーヒー屋にいて、従業員割引が使えないのにも関わらず、お茶を買って飲んだ。友達と話しながらリラックスし、店の中や他のお客を見ていた。このコーヒー屋僕にとってちょっと特別なんだよねっと友達に話したり。こんなチェーンのコーヒー屋がなんでちょっと特別なのか。

かっこいいスーツを着て溢れんばかりの微笑みを顔に、男の子は友達を待っている。仕事でスーツは着たことがないけれど、白い歯を見せながら座る男の子の自信に満ちたような仕草、僕も昔あんな感じで金曜日の夜を過ごしていたことがあると思い出した。

一組のカップルが僕の斜め後ろに座っていた。女の子は（たぶん彼女の）ボーイフレンドの肩にもたれて下を向いて寝ていた。彼女はふと起きて向かいのテーブルに散らかした彼女の本や筆記用具をカバンにつめて、ちょっと湿った夜の通りにカフェから出て行った。

金曜日の夜には、何もかもがなんだか楽しそうに幸せそうに思える。

僕もそういう金曜日を何度も通り過ぎた。今と変わりなくいろんな事を胸に抱えて考えていたけれど、楽しく幸せな時間があった。僕はそこにいた。

僕は幸せじゃないのかもしれない。今そう思っているならそれでいいと思う、あとで思い出して笑えるときが来るのを知っているから。

雨の日というものはどうしてこうダウンダウンなのか。でも別に鬱が入ったわけじゃなく、過去のもっとひどい状況と比べたら、今はただリラックスして余計なことを考えているだけだから。

幸か不幸か、そんなのどうでも良いことで、もし後になって覚えていれば、それは幸せな時間だったいうことを知られる。

Bunka Jutaku

Bunka Jutaku:
Bunka: Culture, Modern
Jutaku: Housing, Apartment
Bunka Jutaku or Bunka are also called Nagaya.
These housings were built after the war to cover the growth of population especially in the urban area in Japan.

Very first memory of my childhood was with the old TV set with wooden frames placed in the centre of a small living/dining room of bunka jutaku that my parents rented. I was three years old or so. My three-year-older sister was singing with a plastic-made toy microphone in front of the TV. There was a pop duo on a program.

I saw orange rays of sunsetting light from the small windows in the kitchen of the bunka jutaku. I heard noise of bicycles that the neighbours rode. My mom's bike had a different noise. I could tell if she was coming home from the corner.

It was spring or summer time. I was alone at home. I was playing with Pla-Rail (Plastic Toy Train). I was in the middle of making a station for my Galaxy Express. I didn't really use any batteries back then.

Fusty smell.

Opening the fridge, there, smell of Calpico drink. I was very very small, but I thought I could do many things by myself.

I could hear that my mom was talking to her neighbours in front of our Bunka Jutaku. I smelled of curry. I wanted to eat my mom's curry rice.