お通夜 | The Wake

何人かの友人にはすでに伝えていたが、僕が日本にいた２週間に従兄弟の訃報があり、お通夜に参列する機会があった。生まれてから、父方の祖母と母方の祖父の２回の通夜にしか参列したことがなかったため、作法などわからないことばかりだった。

２週間の休暇で帰っていたので服など持っているはずもない。

靴は姉の家から借り、父と義兄の喪服を着てみるが、サイズが合わず残念する。父は僕より１０ｃｍ高く、義兄は細いが僕より多分１５ｃｍ高い。

幸い仕事着にと黒のパンツは購入していた。白シャツ黒パンツだとやはりジャケットが欲しくなる。シャツだけで済ましたかったので黒シャツを着ていこうと考えた。

翌日、帰阪後すぐの１週間前から約束していた京都に住む友人と近鉄奈良駅で会った。「奈良市内で必要なものは買えるだろう」と思っていたが、楽観視し過ぎた。黒シャツどころか何も見つからない。お店がなかった。猿沢の池のほとりで休憩し友人に侘びを伝えた。友人は京都の四条でその日の夕方用事があると言うので、奈良を諦めて京都行きの急行に乗り丹波橋で乗り換え三条まで行った。奈良と京都への小旅行とほんの少しの観光の末、必要なものを買い、生駒トンネルを抜けると大阪の夜景が広がっていた。

この話には面白くない（他人が聞けば面白いかな？）オチがある。

姉から借りた靴は、姉によると誰のものか知らないけれど姉の家の下駄箱に１０年来眠っていた２５ｃｍの黒い靴だった。当日それを履いて式場に向かうべく姉の車に乗り込んだ。現地に着き、葬儀場まで少し歩く、とその時、靴底がはげた。かっこ悪いったらありゃしない。僕はどこへも歩けず、仕方なく姉の車に戻り待機することにした。誰のせいでもない。僕は尿意ももよおしていたので、葬儀場のトイレにも行けず、ダブルパンチだった。

「困ったな」と考え車のナビに付いてるテレビも見る気はなくただ座っていた。どこを見るでも無く前を向いていた。気が付くと父の黒いトヨタが停まっていた。叔母が葬儀場の辺りの地理に詳しく、近くのスーパーへ案内してくれるという事だった。叔母は落ち着いていた。僕の父親はなんだか知らないが焦っていた。「焦っているのは僕やねんけど」と思い靴底を見た。

スーパーへ走り、紳士靴のコーナーへ、サイズの合わないローファーを買い、靴底が剥がれた靴と履き替えた。靴底が剥がれた靴はそのままレジの人に預け急いで車に戻った。

なんとか親族のお焼香に間に合った。お焼香が終わってサイズの合わない靴を引きづり、姉の隣に座った。僕は姉のそばにいるといつでも心強くなれる。昔からそうだった。大人になった今でも小さい時と同じ気持ちがよみがえり少し照れ臭さを感じた。

僕は２０年来、中学の頃から意図的に父方の親族を避けていた。苦手だったのだ。親族に「ご無沙汰しております」と挨拶をした。従兄弟たちはみんな結婚していた。父の兄弟はただでさえ多いのに、親族はさらに膨張していた。少し叔父や叔母達と話をするべきだったのかもしれなかった。友人達との約束もあり、姉は子連れで早く帰るというので、一緒に帰る事にした。結局、葬儀場を出るのが遅過ぎて、その夜は友人達とは合えずじまいだったんだけれど。

帰り道、姪っ子達がトイレに行きたいと言ったので、大東市へ抜ける山間の道の途中のコンビニに寄った。僕は煙草を吸いながら、なぜ父方の親族が苦手なのだろうと考えた。今まで落ち着いて考えた事がなかった。吸い殻を携帯灰皿に入れ、車に戻ると姉はコーヒーを買って待っていてくれた。

父方の親族は本家を中心とした保守的な傾向があった。その事に気付いたのは父の兄だったかが、病で倒れて他界した後、そのお兄さんの妻が再婚した時、父方の親族は猛烈にその人を叩いたのだ。僕は小さ過ぎて実際何があったか覚えていないが母から間接的に聞いた。その親族の保守的な傾向に嫌気が差し、疎遠にする事に決めたのだった。

でももう一つつまらない理由があるとコンビニの駐車場で思った。父方の親族はみな体格が良く、背が高い。僕は長年そのコンプレックスをもっていたんだと自覚した。全くくだらない。

以前、僕の学歴コンプレックスを指摘した東京に住む友人が聞くと大笑いするに違いないのだけれど。

剥がれた靴底のかけらは姉の車の助手席のマットの上に大量に残っていた。家に着くとそれを溝に落とし、お清めの塩をまいて、サイズの合ってない靴で踏んだ。


I have already told some of my friends before. While I was in Japan for 2 weeks, I had to attend the wake because one of my cousins passed away suddenly in an accident. I had been to a funeral only twice in my life – for my father's side grandmother and my mother's side grandfather, so I was not familiar with any etiquette and manners in the situation at all.

While on a 2-week vacation, of course, I didn't have proper clothes for it.

I borrowed a pair of shoes from my sister and I tried my father's and my brother-in-law's suits. Those didn't fit me because my father is 10 cm taller and my brother-in-law is 15 cm taller than I.

Fortunately, I had a pair of black pants that I bought the other day for work in Toronto. If I wore a white shirt, I should have had a jacket. I decided to go with a black shirt because I didn't want to spend extra money for the urgent matter.

The next day, I went to Kintetsu Nara to meet my friend from Kyoto. I have already had the arrangement with her a week before, when I arrived in Osaka. I thought I could have found something in the city centre of Nara, but I soon realised that I was wrong. I couldn't find any stores that have a black shirt or anything else. There were not many clothing stores to begin with. I apologized to my friend when we were resting at Sarusawa no Ike. My friend had to go back to Shijo, Kyoto because she had a school to go in the evening, so we took an Kintetsu express train from Nara and switched to Keihan at Tamba-bashi to Sanjo, Kyoto. After a day trip to Nara and Kyoto with a little sightseeing, I got everything I needed to attend the wake and went home. When the train came out from the Ikoma tunnel, I could see the night view of Osaka. It was as beautiful as before.

This story has a punchline in further way, although it was not funny to me at all.

A pair of the shoes, that I borrowed from my sister, was black and size 25 cm. It was kept in her shoe closet for 10 years and she didn't know whose shoes they were because her husband's was 26.5 cm.

I put them on and got on my sister's car. Arrived at the place where the wake was held, and I started to walk from a parking lot. All of a sudden, soles of the shoes started to break apart. This was not really cool at all. I went back to my sister's car and sat down on the navigator's seat. This was no one's fault really. Actually, I wanted to go to the bathroom as well, so this was really a double punched incident.

I was thinking that I was in so much trouble now. I was sitting in the car still without turning on the TV of the car navigation system. I was just looking in the air. My father's black Toyota van came in my sight. My aunt was on the van as well. She was familiar with this neighbourhood and she guided my father to the nearest shopping centre. She was quite calm and my father was in rush and sweating - I had to be the one who needed to be in rush, not you, dad. I looked at the sole of the black shoes.

Running to the store, to the men's shoe section, I bought a pair of black leather loafers that was slightly bigger for my feet. I changed on site and left the stupid broken shoes off at the cashier and then we ran to the car again.

I was late but I was in time for offering incense time for relatives. After that I dragged my feet, I sat down beside my sister. I could always feel stronger when I was with my sister. It has been the same since I was small. I felt awkward because I am an adult now and I had the same feeling as I used to get when I was small.

For about 20 years since I was a junior high student, I had been avoiding to see my father's side relatives intentionally. I didn't like them very much. I said to my relatives, "long time, no see."
All of my cousins have already got married (except for the one who died and me). My father got so many brothers and sisters. It was already big but the circle of the relatives seemed to be expanding with the cousins' new families - like ripples on the surface of water. I should have possibly stayed longer to talk to aunts and uncles, but I had another arrangement to meet my friends at night and my sister was also leaving early for her daughters. I left with my sister. I was too late to leave the place after all, so that I had to postpone the meeting with my friends to the next night.

On our way back home, her daughters wanted to go to use bathroom, so we stopped at a convenience store on a road that goes to Daito-shi in the middle of the mountains. I started to think why I don't like my father's side relatives while I was smoking outside. I had never thought about it in details quietly until then. I put a cigarette butt in my portable ashtray and went back to my sister's car. She bought a cup of coffee for me and was waiting for me in the car.
Relatives on my father's side had a tendency to have conservative thoughts and perspectives. The reason why I noticed it was when my aunt-in-law got married again after my uncle died of cancer. My relatives bullied her because of that. I was too small to know what exactly happened to her, but I heard it from my mother indirectly. I didn't really like the idea of a group of relatives accusing a woman (aunt-in-law) with her 2 young children. I hate to see the relatives' conservative tendency, I started to put a distance for myself from them.

By the way, I found another stupid reason why I don't like my relatives at parking lot of the convenience store. My father's side relatives are all tall and well-built. I realised that I had such an inferiority complex regarding my height. I was silly.

If my friend, who lives in Tokyo and pointed out my inferiority complex regarding my educational history that I have never been to a university, hear this, she must laugh out loud for sure.

There were so many broken pieces form soles of the black shoes I was wearing earlier on a mat on my sister's car. I cleaned the mat and put broken pieces in a gutter in front of my home. Before entering the house, I put salt on the ground to purify myself. I stepped on it with my new big black loafers.